The Destination

Last week, I explained to you what our journey feels like. Now I’ll tell you what it actually is:

We are ADOPTING!

So, if you care to read it, here’s the story... prologue and all:

I never thought I wanted more than two kids. I grew up in a house with two kids. All of my cousins have come in sets of two. My marriage is a set of two. I have two hands... It just made sense to me. Two is manageable. Two is enough, isn’t it?

Then God called me to that wide gravel path; the perfect place to find a new direction and think it over for a while. I was reading a fictional novel that was centered on a girl in the foster care system. And while this book was a work of fiction, it haunted me that many of the issues this child was facing are a reality in the lives of others. I thought, This is something we could do. We could be a light in a child’s life through foster care. Andy and I talked about it, and excitedly agreed that we could offer a great foster home to children in need when our two boys have grown and gone.

Feeling at peace with this slow plan, we buried it in a time capsule to be opened in 2021. Or, I should say, we thought we did. As the months passed, God kept reminding me of this call, this need that He had positioned us to meet. At the same time, He pointed out my own needs and desires that would be met in His plan.

On April 25th, Christine Caine was preaching at our church. At one point in her message, she was speaking of a girl who had been rescued from human trafficking. This girl looked Christine in the eye and asked her, “Why didn’t you come sooner?” When Christine spoke those words, it felt as though a lightning bolt had struck my heart. What are we waiting for? Why should we wait? Because it will be “easy” when the boys are grown? How many times has God called me to do what is easy?

Never.

It is an understatement to say that I was rattled. Satan seized the opportunity to get in my head. I can’t remember whether or not I told Andy about the lightning bolt. If I told him, I’m sure my speech lacked any recognizable confidence. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t particularly want to hear what God was saying, so I turned inward. I felt very alone.

Months passed.

But God did not leave me. He continued to press me, repeatedly bringing these hurting children to the forefront of my mind. God worked on me to bring the desire of my heart in line with His. I knew exactly what God was telling me to do, but I wondered why He was only telling ME. I prayed that He would communicate this plan to Andy as well, and I imagined a magnificent moment when it would all come together… But it didn’t. I prayed that God would reach in and change Andy’s heart, that Andy would share my urgency. I even gave God another choice in the matter: Change Andy’s heart OR change mine. If I’m seeing this whole thing wrong, fix me, God.

Well, He did. But not in the way I was expecting. God let me know, in no uncertain terms, that sharing this vision with Andy was my burden to bear.

So to fix me, He broke me.

In a flurry of words and tears, I laid it all out one Monday evening while I was making dinner. Before I was even done talking, Andy had made an appointment to have coffee with a friend of ours who, along with his wife, has fostered several children. By the end of the week, we had gone to an information meeting and shared our vision with Jackson and Parker.

In the information meeting, it became crystal clear that God’s plan for us is adoption. So, we are planning and pursuing the adoption of a school-age local boy. We don’t know who he is or when he will be ours, but I know that God does.

It has been amazing to live this story as it unfolds. We have several friends and family members who are adopted, and others who have adopted or have had the seed planted in their hearts, that someday they might. As time passes, more and more people join this little community of support. I am so grateful for them, especially after the months I spent feeling very alone.

We have completed our required training classes, background checks, health screenings, and the like. Tomorrow afternoon we are having our home study, and then we wait. In my last post, I talked about the valley ahead. For me, this time in waiting is the valley. Generally speaking, I don’t think I’m very good at waiting. But I have plenty to do to ready our home, so that this waiting time can be spent in active preparation.


The mountain on the other side of this valley is the work that we face when the waiting is over. Having another child physically present in our home is one thing. That’s what all of the pre-placement requirements have been for. The mountain ahead is the challenge that our family will meet together, embracing this new son and becoming a family.

(By the way, Andy shared the news in a video on his blog a while back. Give it a listen if you are interested in getting his perspective. It’s almost the same as mine. Almost.)

The Journey

In the summer of 2009, God set my feet on a path. It was like a wide country road, with trees on one side and fields on the other; remote and empty but not at all lonely. It felt breezy and sunny, with just the suggestion of a destination down the line, but no rush to get there. A slow, easy summer stroll.

I told Andy about it, and he stepped on the path alongside me.

And then fall came.

And then winter.

And through my days, God occasionally reminded me of the path. He gently suggested that I might want to move a little faster. That I might want to reach the destination sooner than my current pace would allow. I wasn’t sure. Would Andy want to move faster? And what about the boys? They don’t even know we’re on this path.

Spring arrived.

I kept my leisurely pace.

God’s gentle suggestions lost their subtlety. His breezy whispers became gusts at my back.

On April 25, 2010, a lightning bolt struck my heart, and I knew that I had waited too long. I was being disobedient to God, languishing along this easy stretch of road.

Still, I did nothing. I hid behind my doubt. Someone slid out of the trees, offered me an apple, and whispered lies to me. Andy won’t be ready for this. The boys won’t like it.

Summer again.

The path became more defined. There could be no doubt that this path was ours to take. The wind picked up and thunder rolled, urging me to hasten my steps.

I started to prepare for the journey, but still hesitated to go.

Finally, when I found myself without a shred of peace left in my heart, I spilled it all to Andy in a torrential downpour of tears. Before I could even get it all out, he was lacing up his running shoes.

Hand in hand, we took off without looking back. The silence and stillness of the beginning has evolved into music and motion.

Now our path feels like a race course. Our boys are running with us, excited about each completed step; anticipating the future. As we pass landmarks and checkpoints, we can see what is ahead. Many familiar faces have greeted us along the way, sharing wisdom and encouragement. We are grateful for every one of them.

Between us and the finish line, there lies a valley and a mountain. From here, there is no telling how deep the valley will be or how long it will take us to pass. And that mountain looks pretty high, but I’m not afraid to climb it.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Hebrews 12:1

Things I Love About Baudelaire (BO-de-lare)

When Liberty had her first litter of puppies last Thanksgiving, we weren’t planning on keeping any. But by Christmas, one little fur ball had snuggled his way into our hearts for good.

I ADORE him. Seriously. Look. At that. FACE.

He likes to lay on my feet. If I am relatively still for any amount of time, he will come and lay down on my feet. He lays on my feet when I do dishes. He lays on my feet when I’m at the computer. He’s doing it right now.

When I do the laundry, Baudie sits on the floor facing the dryer. He seems to be fascinated as I pull out the dry clothes. He gets excited when I throw in the wet clothes. Sometimes he even sticks his head in to get a closer look.

He closes his eyes when I pet him.

He leaps and dances in circles when it’s time to eat. “Food” is the magic word to send him spinning.

He eats toys, especially small ones, thus motivating my children to keep their rooms clean. This same dynamic is what motivates us to keep the lawn clean. Gross, but highly effective.

He chases his tail. MADLY.

His favorite chew toy is an empty water bottle. It doesn’t last long, but that’s okay. If we have one around, I’ll let him chew it until it’s almost unrecognizable, and then I’ll toss it into the recycle bin. It’s like recycling twice!

He fetches sticks. I’ve never had a dog that would do that!

Baudie’s latest toy-that-isn’t-really-a-toy is his stainless steel food dish. He pushes it around the floor, and runs around the house with it in his mouth. It makes me laugh every time.

 He loves his momma. And NO, I don’t mean me. I mean his actual momma, the Liberty Belle. Chances are, if he isn’t laying on my feet, he’s laying on hers.

My Little Baudelaire was cute as a tiny puppy, but I love him even more now… I can’t walk past him without petting him. I can’t stay mad at him for anything. I love to see his sweet face when he has just woken up.

And now, we have an entire litter of baby Baudie siblings!

Baudie is a very attentive big brother. I don’t think he realizes how much bigger he truly is!

I’m sure you’ll want one for yourself. Maybe this one.

Our Year Without Buying: July Update

We are just over a week from our half-way point in Our Year Without Buying and, I must say, it’s going pretty well. We aren’t actually saving any money, but I’m okay with that. Saving was only part of the goal, and I feel good about where the money we are spending has gone:

We knew from the beginning that Parker and I were going to need new bathing suits this year. I didn’t bring it up before, because I don’t like to talk about masochistic issues. I was seriously in denial about it. I’m sure this old suit will do just fine. I don’t REALLY need to buy a new one. Do I? One sad trip to the waterpark later, and I was checking out the swimsuit racks at the mall. It was weird to go shopping, even though it was a planned exception.

I also bought myself some much needed workout wear for the gym, which we joined in May. Perhaps the new swimsuit has motivated me beyond the poolside. The gym clothes were a total cheat on the challenge. Sorry, but I’m not sorry.

I still haven’t bought P’s new suit because, unlike mine, his seems to be holding together. I’m going to have to break down and get one this week, though, because I have fears of sending him to camp with shoddy swim trunks. I just know the waistband will finally fail, and humiliate my baby. I shudder at the thought of it.

Speaking of camp, I can hardly wait! One week from Sunday, our boys are headed to Allaso Ranch. The boys will actually be there at the same time this year. It’s P’s first time to go, but Jackson is an old pro. It’s been really sweet to listen to J tell P about all of the cool stuff they get to do. I can tell that P is a little nervous, but I’m sure that having big brother there will help him cope.

Last month we took a weekend road trip to Sea World San Antonio. Andy’s cousin, who works for SW, hooked us up BIG TIME. We enjoyed Quick Queue passes for both days, and All Day Dining passes on Saturday. The QQ passes allow you to skip the line, walking up the exit and hopping right on the ride. I felt like a bit of jerk, butting in front of hundreds of people who had been waiting, but at the same time, I was deeply grateful that we didn’t have to stand in those long lines with our boys! The dining passes are worth every penny. Amusement park food is expensive! Bottled water at the park is almost $3 per 20oz bottle, but with the dining pass, you just pick up a water, wave your wrist band, and keep going. As much as you want, all day long. Now that we’ve been spoiled, I don’t imagine I will ever want to go back to the usual amusement park experience.

We’ve spent some money on a few home improvement projects as well, which I’ll write about later. This post is long enough as it is… I don’t want to keep you here all day.

Even though Andy and I haven’t been storing up any extra savings, the boys are collecting their allowance each week with nowhere to spend it. They’re excited about their expanding pocketbooks… Parker says that he wants to extend this little experiment to FIVE years without buying, so he can save enough for a massive Lego set that he wants. I told him that he is more than welcome to do that on his own.

So maybe we should call this "Our Year Without Buying, Sort Of" or "Our Year Without Buying, Mostly." Even though we've made more exceptions than I would like, I would call it a success thus far. We haven't brought any more useless stuff into the house, so we haven't thrown any packaging away. The boys are excited about saving, and are talking less and less about what they are saving for. It will be interesting to see what P chooses to do with his money next February. I for one am looking forward to doing a little shopping!

Where does the time go?

Time is fascinating to me. A single day can feel like an eternity, but the youth of my children is vanishing in the blink of an eye. How can this be?

I can only imagine how my dad feels… Yesterday I celebrated my thirtieth birthday. He was here for my party this weekend, and kept shaking his head in disbelief saying, “I can’t believe my baby is thirty.” I thought I was supposed to be the one who struggled with this birthday. Go figure.

On the eve of my big birthday, Parker was reluctant to go to bed. It was lonely in his room, he said. His bed was uncomfortable, he said. He sat on turned down sheets, looking to me for rescue.

“Will you sing to me? Will you sing Rock-a-Bye Baby?”

So I stood by his bedside and cradled his lanky seven-year-old body like a baby in my arms, and sang. He made silly faces, breaking my song in spurts of laughter. I tucked him in again, but soon after I returned to the living room, there he was at the end of the hallway. Room still lonely, bed still uncomfortable. So I invited him to rock in the chair.

It didn’t take long for my mind to wander back to the days when I rocked him every night. When he and I were the only ones stirring in our dark and sleepy home, with moonlight filtering through the blinds. And back further to the days when I rocked Jackson. And one sweet memory after another, I recalled the time I shared with my children when they were really small.

I rocked my baby with tears streaming down my cheeks, just like they are right now. You see, thirty is nothing, but seven and ten seem really old to me these days.

It's About Time

Here’s a revolutionary thought: There are twenty-four hours in a day, and no matter how many things I want to get done, or how many hours I waste along the way, I can’t extend time.

Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed. Job 14:5

Recently, I have listened to The Power of Less, by Leo Babauta, on CD. Actually, I have listened to it twice. “Do less, get more done,” he says.

The Power of Less is about identifying the essential and eliminating the unnecessary. Babauta says that in order to streamline your life, you have to set limits for yourself and focus your energy on achieving your goals.

Thankfully, God has set the limit of hours in a day and the days of my life. I know that if I were in command of the number of hours I could have in a day, I would be perpetually trapped, trying to just finish ONE MORE THING.

All I have to do is figure out what is important to me, how long it will take to get done, and when I’m going to do it. I need to set limits in my own life, so that I can focus on what is important to me instead of doing every little thing that comes up.

So the other day, I sat down to organize myself in a schedule. I made a plan for the hours of the schooldays for the rest of the school year, which is now less than three weeks. Hooray! And even so, I only planned out Monday through Wednesday, because some fun out-of-the-ordinary thing is happening at school every Thursday and Friday until the end. It’s a sprint to the finish every year!

I also scheduled my summer days with the kids, including quiet time, meals, chores, swimming… Then I realized that I had left post-pool SHOWERING out of the equation. It seems I was planning for a pretty nasty summer!

It looks like I have a ton of “free” time, which left me puzzled. I am putting MORE in my schedule, but seem to have MORE time? This should prove to be true, if I work efficiently. Hmm. Just evidence that I am a blatant time waster, and reason why this verse often haunts me:

She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31:27

OUCH.

I need to cut carbs from more than just my dinner plate! Hopefully my sparkling new schedule will help me get my stuff together.

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Psalm 90:12

Growing Up

I started growing up ten years ago today. My grandmother pointed that out to me recently. We were talking about what a terrible child I was growing up. She said, “You didn’t really settle down until you had children,” as though it were a surprise… After all, how many nineteen year olds just up and decide to become settled? Not many, I imagine. None that I have ever known, anyway.

God has taught me so much during these ten years. I’ve learned that love for a child is a ferocious thing. I’ve learned what real commitment is, what relationship is all about, what it’s like to slowly, purposefully, faithfully lose control. Not that I have mastered these things. I just now know what they are.

I think of all those strong Biblical mothers who released their young sons to the will of God. Sarah, Hannah, Mary... What were their boys like at the fine age of ten? Were they sharp and testing like mine? Were they careful and skeptical? Were they imaginative? Clever? Witty? Were they dear? And loving? My Jackson is all of these things, and more.

Looking back I can hardly believe that God entrusted me, a clueless kid, with a precious baby.





I cherish the time that I have had with you, Jackson, and I look forward to the years ahead!

As you get older and seek more freedom in your days, I hope that you will lean on all that we have taught you. Don’t try to grow up too fast. Let the whole world see WHO you are and WHOSE you are.

I love you, Bubble!